I understand that if a company is trying to sell deodorant or soap or perfume, the commercial is going to have its share of second hand dickbags acting like the shit smells goddamn awesome. All the actors make the stupid 'I'm so fucking surprised that this product that is supposed to smell good really smells fucking good' face. A whiff, the eyes widen, a wry smile and a nod and I can't believe it, by using this I will no longer smell like an elephant's flappy queef. I will now possess the musky musk of fluffy unicorn farts floating over the briny sea.
But last night it happened. Aspercreme. Really, you're really going to do the good smellin' face over some Aspercreme. I hardly believed that the old woman in the commercial I saw last night was really into the scent of Aspercreme, for all of your ol' lady aches and ol' man pains and it don't stink like you think. I guess maybe I could buy that she was surprised it didn't have the aroma of a half dead donkey vagina, so that could account for the face, but I wasn't buying it.
She was shit for an actress. She totally looked like she had smelled some Aspercreme before. Hell, she looked like she had plenty of experience smelling all kinds of cream. She's a slut.
Ahhhhh yeahhhh grandma, I got a sore bone that needs some soothing good smellin' cream.
Wow. I have no idea where that came from or where I am going with this. I mean, she is probably a really nice lady. She wanted to get into serious acting but obviously didn't have the talent and never had the looks to make it big. She hustled, went to auditions for years and years and kept hearing 'we'll let you know' and by never calling her back they only let her know they thought she was a worthless ugly asshole with a baboon's distended rectum where her mouth should be. They knew she could never sniff the cream.
She did nasty things, soul crushing things on countless casting couches to get the coveted role of Lady Number Three in some fucking cut rate titty balls movie no one ever saw, and the only line she got to say is 'Can I take your coat?' to some tough goon who turns to her and says 'No, but you can take this!' and he slaps her roughly in her sloppy tit meat. It wasn't even in the script, he just felt instant hatred towards her due to her poor acting skills. Now, here she is, decades later, struggling to keep her dream alive by sniffing the cream.
You would think she would sniff the hell out of that cream. That fucking old cream sniffer. But no, I wasn't buying it, I could tell she was just mailing it in. She is lucky I wasn't the director on that shoot because I would have totally let her know that she was a complete loser who couldn't even sniff the cream. Who can't sniff the cream? She can't.
You'll never sniff cream in this town again.
Everyone should have the guts to pursue their dreams, but everyone should also know when they just have to let them go. If you are seventy years old and in the acting game and you are still daydreaming about winning an Oscar when you just got finished with your twenty-second take at cream sniffing because the director isn't buying it, it's time to throw in the fucking towel. I imagine when pornstars retire they throw in the cumrag, but I digress.
I wonder how many other old degenerate cockholes didn't get the sniffing gig. There were probably thirty or forty grannies crying in their panties because they just didn't have that cream sniffing "it" factor, and all of those people who didn't make the cut have to be subjected to watching that commercial and have to be enraged at the piss poor cream sniffing going on.
She was probably all proud about it too, calling her kids and saying 'wait until you see how good your Mom sniffs the cream, the casting agent told me I was a natural cream sniffer'. Then her kids have to act like it was totally believable to her face but when she turns her back they all mock her by sniffing things with the same stupid look on their faces.
But that can only last so long, it was her greatest moment and she relives it all too often. She has become a sad and pathetic shell of her former self. She smells strangers in the street just to make the face. If only she could get it right she thinks, they will give me another gig, a better one. So long Aspercreme, hello adult diapers. Then I can act like I don't smell anything, it's perfect. My urine soaked diaper will be my dirty little secret, and then I can wink at the camera and totally act like my dusty pubes haven't turned into a piss mop.
Her children never buy her flowers anymore because they just can't bear to watch her smell anything. They don't ask her if the milk has gone bad. They never wear cologne or perfume. They walk into the other room when they have to fart.
It's a brutal realization that her life long dream was all reduced to sniffing the cream. That's poetry motherfucker.
Hellwagon.
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