Blog is such a stupid fucking word it makes me want you to die. Anyway, I have been looking around at other blogs, see how fucked up and stupid that word sounds, to see what other people write about and what makes one of these stupid asshole things successful. Well, it seems that unless I'm planning on palavering on about kids or making relationships work or wondering what life is all about like some philosophical fucking turdboat, then I haven't got a chance in hell of making anything significant out of this. Oh fucking well.
And pictures. People like taking fucking pictures. Everything takes pictures now. I bet there is a condom out there with a camera on it. Now that's taking a fucking picture. Hiyoooooo (or whatever that fat noise Ed McMahon makes would be written as).
I read a few blog descriptions that used the expression 'old soul'. If you ever use the saying 'old soul' you should have your actual soul torn from your rectum by voracious bloodthirsty hellhounds. You should choke on a camel's salty hemorrhoids.
I just want to ask these people, what stranger really gives a fuck about your kids, your relationship or your life, and unless someone I know is in the pictures I could give a shit, and even then big deal. I have plenty of shit to look at, what makes people think I want to look at some lame shit they already looked at. I'm just not that big into second hand looking at shit. That sounds double retarded. Or pretarded. A word I made up that means something was retarded even before it was retarded. Look it up.
I just don't find that stuff interesting. You know what I find interesting? Stupid shit like the fact that I occasionally fart on my dog's head. Why? Perhaps to assert my dominance, maybe as revenge for when it shat on the floor many years ago, but mostly because I am immensely childish and I find that shit funny. Everyone should. If you are at a party at a friend or co-workers house and you drill a titanic fart into the family dog's eyes and don't get one laugh, depart with haste because your friends are all stuck up and lame.
If anyone thinks that is cruel and inhumane to animals than that person hasn't spent an afternoon cleaning up massive inhumane piles of runny dogshit in their yard. If I have to clean up mounds of your shit I should be able to nail farts into your face. In case you were wondering, I did not apply this rule when my children were infants. That would just be mean, but if when they are teenagers they start shitting all over the house then I might let the dog shit on them as they sleep, or dump the cat shit box on them.
Also, its not like dogs hate the smell of shit, come to think of it the dog probably loves it. It probably looks forward to it. 'Oh my god, he's eating onion covered chili cheese dogs, today is going to be a glorious fucking day. Yes! You Sir, you are the fart whisperer. A whimsical wizard of flatulence, please wait until I open my mouth.' Glad I talked this out. No more farting on my dog, that shit just got too familiar and intimate. I will just fart on strange dogs. I know you aren't supposed to pet them, but no one ever said anything about farting on them. I think having the surprise factor and no shared history will make the whole experience much less awkward.
I do not currently fart on my kids, much. A good crop dusting every once in a while never hurt anybody.
While we are on the farty subject, once, when I was picking up some medication from the pharmacy, the nice lady behind the counter asked me if I had any questions for the pharmacist. I said 'Yes, if I hold in my farts will it make my breath stink?' She looked confused. You know why, because she didn't fucking know the answer and she was probably holding a fart in at the time. It would have been awesome if she said yes, it makes your breath smell terrible and then I farted really loud and screamed 'goodbye breath mints, hello fart town', but that didn't happen. I haven't lost hope though, I will have to go the pharmacy again at some point. Game on.
People take their lives far too seriously and will always want to talk about what they deem to be the important things in their lives. Which pretty much leaves out farting on animals and farting at the pharmacy. If you fart at the pharmacy does it then become the fartacy? For most people, it all boils down to kids and relationships and the meaning of life.
Hell, anyone can talk about kids and most people will be interested because it's a point of commonality. I have kids, you have kids, how fucking amazing is that? Don't your kids do hilarious and cutesy and sometimes wildly inappropriate things, just like my kids? Great. Let us now laugh riotously at how our kids do similar things that sometimes embarrass us but don't we just end up loving them all the more for it. Indeed. Har-de-fucking-har-har-balls. We should hold hands and skip through a dewy meadow in the springtime and tie our dicks into fancy veiny bow ties and fart splendiferous clouds of butterflies.
Kids are the best thing in the world, but I hardly think the goddamn internet is the place to discuss my goddamn children. If you spend your whole day with your kids and then spend your free time reading about someone elses kids then I have to wonder what in the fuck is wrong with your silly ass. If you need something to relate to, something that makes you feel like you aren't dealing with this raising kids shit alone because your kids make you crazy then here you go.
A lot of people have kids, kids are tough to deal with. No shit. What a revelation. Kids act crazy. No shit. You don't say, that is quite insightful. Well, anyone would act crazy and annoying if they are trying to figure out the entire fucking universe all the time. Kids are like time travelers, waking up every day to a new world they don't understand and that makes them ask a million questions. Answer as many as you can before you lose your shitting mind and yell at them and then shut up about them. It's not that bad, at least your kids aren't shitting in a dirt hole, drinking out of puddles next to said dirt hole, eating random insects for nourishment and dodging gunfire.
Raising children is not hard to figure out. Treat them with respect, don't be a dick or a cunt to them, feed them and keep them safe. If your kid gives you tons of problems and acts like an asshole, guess what, your kid just might be an asshole. Where do you think adult assholes come from, asshole?
How do you know if your kid is an asshole? It's really easy, just answer this one question.
Is your kid an asshole?
If you answered yes, then congratulations, your kid is a total asshole.
Take it from a real asshole, it's so much better than being a dick or a cunt. Or both. A cuntdick. A dickcunt. I don't know. I think I am going with cuntdick. It rolls off the tongue better, has more flow, those hard K sounds on both ends gives it a beautiful symmetry. See ya later ya fuckin' cuntdick. See, some things, they just plain work cuntdick.
Hellwagon.
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