I think everyone at some point has thought about what superpowers they would like to possess. Usually people want to be able to fly or have super strength, like hopping on a plane or lifting some weights had never occurred to them. Reading minds is a big one as well, that would last all of about thirty seconds before you wanted out. Knowing the sick and depraved or just plain stupid thoughts of everyone around you would just be horrible.
Imagine listening to someone think about what they watched on television last night, what a fantastic thing that would be to know what your neighbors innermost thoughts and feelings are about Dancing with Who The Fuck Even Cares About Dancing or America's Got Genital Canker Sores. Wouldn't it be awful to find out that the person you think is completely stupid is thinking the same thing about your completely stupid ass. How stupid would you feel then Mr. Mindreader, you stupid grit eating greasy fuckhole.
Ahem. Anywho, flying just doesn't seem that awesome to me either, I mean big shittin' Wow, I was down there and now I'm up here. It's the same as walking only you're going up and you're lazier. You might as well get a hard-on over an elevator. I know flying would be great because you wouldn't have to put up with morons in other cars, but I have another power in mind that would solve that very problem...
1. I Can Throw Anything Into Outer Space
I don't want super strength in any other situation, only when I want to throw something into space.
Traffic problem. Not a problem. I just get out of my shitty car and throw your car at the goddamn sun. Dog next door won't stop barking at the moon in the middle of the night. Well then, I'd say your next stop is the moon you mongrel bitch. I think this would just come in handy in all types of situations. I could just throw my garbage into outer space, which would have really come in handy all those years ago when I was arrested for littering. Well, littering and telling the cop who was writing the ticket to go fuck himself.
There have just been so many times when I have been trapped in a conversation with some random enema bag and had no means of escape. It would be so nice if I could just grab their arm and leg and go all human discus with them and send them careening and screaming into the stratosphere, like a poorly dressed helicopter shooting diarrhea missiles through the clouds.
Imagine walking into the middle of a neighborhood basketball game. You grab the ball and just heave it into space and walk away. If anyone gets all mad and wants to do anything about it, send them right into space after the ball if they like balls so damn much. Your kids are fighting over a toy and no matter what you say they just won't stop, well it's God's toy now.
Although with the way the world is today I would probably be protested by some tree fingering environmentalist ball biters because I would be polluting space somehow. Like space really gives a fuck.
2. Make Any Two People Hug Each Other As Long As I Want
I came up with this one just the other day because of the President saying he supports gay marriage. Let me just preface this with the fact that I could give a flying shit about the President personally, black or white or whatever, if you are a politician of any kind that makes you an automatic asshole. It comes with the territory. Just like being a security guard makes you a dick, life just works out that way.
I find it hilarious that this is even an issue. Who gives a fuck if gay people want to marry each other? Who gives a fuck if people are gay? Who gives a fuck about people!?!! It's not like gay people are trying to make you gay or anyone else gay, they just want to be gay. Those people that say marriage can only be a sacred bond between a man and a woman are total fags. If gay people get married how does that even affect you at all. It doesn't. If gay marriage offends your delicate sensibilities, then I am going to make you bear hug random gay people constantly for years on end and all your narrow minded hick friends can call you names and treat you like utter shit until you get some goddamn perspective.
I will never get it. It's not like gay married couples will all of a sudden start fucking in front of you or rape you, if that happened you would just call the damn cops. You would do the same thing if a straight couple started fisting each other in the supermarket parking lot. And if your kid is going to be gay, they are going to be gay. No outside influence is going go make that happen.
If I made you hug a gay dude for a month, is that going to make you gay? If it does, you were gay in the first place.
3. Whoever I Point At Shits All Over Themselves
I cannot think of a situation where this would not be awesome. You would be the ultimate force in the universe. No one would ever cross you or have a bad thing to say. As soon as word got out that you had this magnificent power you would never pay for a drink again. You would win at everything. Anything you ever wanted would be handed to you out of fear. There is nothing more degrading and humiliating than shitting yourself in front of someone. I have shit myself a few times. It sucks. It just ends everything. Done. Any plans you may have had that day are instantly ruined, along with your undergarments and then your socks and if your socks aren't enough then there goes the shirt.
You would never have to use it twice.
It would also be of one benefit to the human race as well. I could travel around to old age homes and hospitals and be a hero to those suffering from the brutality of constipation. I don't really think that this particular skill would be useful in any other heroic capacity, not that making some backed up old goat furiously blast ass is all that heroic in the first place. Let's just say you won't be stopping robberies or rescuing damsels in distress with your magic shit finger. You make a man with a gun shit himself, he is just going to get super angry and shoot the dick who made him paint the inside of his pantaloons. I believe it is inherently a villainous power to possess and would be used accordingly.
I would also be able to control the consistency of said dookie. From massive logs to a flood of diarrhea, the entire spectrum would be mine to wield. I would make a fortune gambling on football, anyone going to catch a touchdown or kick a field goal would be at my mercy. Not such a chip shot field goal when you are pushing out a titanic log.
The main drawback on having a power like this is that it would totally cut down on nose picking and fingering.
Honestly, I couldn't give a shit. It's not like any of this will ever happen. I can barely do regular everyday stuff without fucking it all up to hell. I would like basic powers. The power to pay my bills. The power make my kids listen. The power to get through one single day without feeling like I am going to lose my personal mountain of fuck it all shit on some poor asshole even though he may have it coming.
I would like one day where I don't have to fight with my own brain to function normally in the world. I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes it feels like I am in a battle for supremacy over myself. Either way though, I am totally going to fucking win.
Hellwagon.
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