A lot of people make bucket lists of stupid things to do before they stop annoying me and die already. Everyone always wants to do the same kind of shit. Jump out of planes, tie a rubber band around their ankles and jump off a bridge, climb some crazy fuck all mountain like a dick, who cares. Doing those things makes you dull and unimaginative. You want to go see some touristy crap that everyone else sees on their damn vacations, go ahead, just don't act all deep and spiritual about it. You can give any activity depth and meaning if you associate it with your own death.
Say you want to eat a bean burrito while you take a shit before you die. Well, while you are eating that burrito and your turd army storms the gate you are really going to attach a lot of sentiment to that moment. You may even cry a little. I would too, because that sounds about as sad as anything I can think of you fat bastard, who would do that honestly. You can make anything important to yourself because you are the only one who cares. You know why it means something to you even if no one else does.
I mean, who wants to go to The Great Wall of China? Really? Seriously, it is just a wall. It's a really big wall, I'll give you that, but really all you have to do is look at a wall and imagine it being a lot longer and less depressing.
I have been thinking about my own list, not that I plan on dying, I am too much of a self important prick to go and do something as lame as dying. Here are some ideas:
1. Fist Fight a Wild Animal
I have always wanted to fight a bear, but now I am leaning more towards a stupid giraffe. My wife doesn't think I can beat up a giraffe because she thinks they would kick the hell out of me. I picture coming at it head on and then slipping between its front legs and punching it in the dick. I wouldn't fight a lady giraffe because I am a gentleman, also because I wouldn't want to lose my arm in a giraffagina. Anyway, after a punch to the junk it would collapse and then I could choke the shit out of it. I mean, look at that neck, I could choke it with my arms and legs. A giraffe is the Mount Everest of strangulation.
Hellwagon 1, Giraffe 0.
I saw a bear once when I lived in the Rocky Mountains and I thought 'this is my chance', but then another bear came out of the dumpster like a dick and I knew it was an ambush. Those bears were chickenshit, but I remembered the old saying, 'a bear does not fight fair, and he don't care if he makes you shit your underwears.'
Let me just say that I love animals, more than people in most respects. Hunters are not really hunters at all, so don't you dare call yourself a hunter you dickpipe. If you can't go out there and kill that animal with your bare hands then don't call yourself a hunter. You should have to chase it down and beat it to death if you want to eat it, and you would feel way more awesome about yourself if you did that. That's a fucking story. Not, 'I sat in one spot with a gun like a complete tampon and waited to shoot something'. It's not that hard if you are the only one out there with a weapon. If you are in a gunfight with a person and you are the only one with a gun then that just makes you an asshole.
2. Kick a Bumblebee into Someone's Mouth
Anyone who knows me has heard me say this at one time or another. I know its ridiculous, but so is life and I know it is going to be fucking hilarious.
In the summertime, people I work with will stand at a distance if a bee comes around. Not because they are scared of the bee, but they know my intent by now. I just think it would be awesome if someone was mid sentence and I snap kick a bee into their stupid mouth. I would even take a bank shot off the teeth, at least my aim would have been good. At this point, I haven't even hit anyone in the face, just sailed a few bees by some ears and had to listen to people say things like 'what the fuck is wrong with you' and 'you know that was a fucking bee, right'. Lame. However, it is a hard thing to practice, so cut me a break. I will get there someday and laugh like hell as I run away from you. You are going to be so pissed when you eat that bee. I am thinking I should yell something when I finally do it. Maybe scream GOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!! and tear my shirt off like Hulkamania was running wild on me.
I know I am taking a risk if someone is allergic. But you don't achieve greatness without taking some chances.
3. Beat the Ever Loving Shit out of a Famous Actor
Because I should. They make fortunes pretending to be someone else, big deal. You know what regular dudes usually call people who make shit up for a living. Liars. They are really just a bunch of fantastic liars getting paid to play dress up. Don't get me wrong, I like movies, who doesn't. I am not one of those massive twats who doesn't own a television and spends all their time braiding their musty pubes, wearing winter hats when its not winter. Those people are complete dickpoles. I just think that we have come to a point that people are now universally ranked by how famous they are. That breeds an unfounded ego. Someone needs to take them down a notch. I am thinking Christian Bale, he seems like quite the elitist peckerhead who really thinks he is an important artist.
You are just playing house asshole, albeit in Batman's house, but it's still just playing house. The rest of us just don't happen to be so good at pretending. We live in the real world fuckface, we got bills and shit and we don't have people paying us to use our imagination. Go cut some fucking grass, dig a ditch, have some pimple faced power mad teenage dickbag tell you that you are running behind on the drive through. Get some fucking perspective. They get awards for being the best at pretend. Pretend. You should want to punch them as well.
That is all I have for today. I will continue this list at another time I suppose. I damn sure want to do more than three things before I die. I am sure that there are the typical things on my list that you would want to do as well, everyone should have 'Do an insane amount of totally awesome fucking' on their list. I want to see my kids grow up and to be happy and heathly, shit that any normal person would want. I am not sure how well adjusted they will be after they see me fuck up a giraffe, but I am hoping they will be impressed and say I am their hero.
Hellwagon.
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