THE UNDERNUTS VS THUNDERNUTS

     Once upon a time in a dirty shithole not far away, I was in WalMart doing my shopping.  I had to buy various household items, one of them being milk.  However, much to my dismay standing in front of the cooler was a haggard group of amorphous pock marked hillbillies having a witty and raucous conversation.  I did not inquire as to what they were discussing, cold fusion perhaps, maybe even the long term effects of third world industrialization upon the global climate and economy.  At the very least I was able to discern their favorite wrestlers and race car drivers from their stunning attire.
     For me, nothing exudes dignity and class like armpit hair and being too fat to walk.  I was particularly moved by the sobering gravitas of a chunk of underarm deodorant clinging to a mank patch of matted fur extended down one man's triceps.  It demonstrated that he took the time.  He cared about those around him.  Deodorant is really just a bath you can hold in your hand.  I am relatively certain that it is widely applied to the undernuts by certain sections of the populace.  It has all the characteristics of a third armpit without all the attention and glory.
     There are two superhero possibilities with the word undernuts.  A super hero team called The Undernuts.  They are constantly underestimated and it drives them crazy.  They always come together and win in the end.  See what I did there, I managed to not spell come together "cum" together.  Way to go me.  I'm slowly making progress, like gradually overcoming constipation.
     One hard and round and musclebound turd at a time.
     The other possible hero is the amazing and all powerful superhuman they call Thundernuts.  His balls rumble with raging thunder so low and heavy it makes the ground shake.  He shoots bolts of white lightning from his rod.  The Undernuts is starting to sound more like a band of dastardly villains to me.  They lie hidden in a dark sweaty place where no one but the bravest dares to go.  When they meet, it will be an epic battle for the ages.
     The Undernuts vs. Thundernuts for galactic supremacy. 
     Anyway, one of the people in front of my goddamn milk was slopped all over a motorized scooter. The scooter used to be for the aged and disabled, now it is the official vehicle of the fucking enormous.  Coincidentally, it is also the official ride of Thundernuts, because the nuts of thunder are big and difficult to manage. 
     The scooter manufacturer obviously has not widened the seat to accommodate the wide humans who ride upon them because this lady's girthy swamp ass was all over the place.  I am surprised it didn't get caught in the tires.  There was a faintly visible skidmark, but that was from something else.  All in all she rode upon a fine and sturdy piece of machinery and the men and women who make them should be commended.
     I stood and watched the braying herd with mounting anger.  I noticed several other patrons calmly suffering through their own impatience.  We all waited for the dazzling repartee to cease of its own accord.  I hadn't seen such a gathering of pure analytical thought outside of a truck stop chemical toilet.  They did not move.  It became insufferable.  So, I calmly said, "Would you mind moving the Survivors of Incest support group so I can get some fucking milk?"
     They looked annoyed and puzzled, it could have been my use of multiple polysyllabic words, it could have been that they heard 'fucking milk' and it triggered a memory of when they all gang banged a mentally challenged cow and took turns giving a reach around to its udders.  Oh yeah, milk it baby.  I had no idea how they took it.  They moved, I got my milk and moved on.
     How do I get away with such shenanigans you may ask.  I just fucking do.  Also, I have been told that I look like a white trash mental patient and an escaped convict.  I just happen to be one with a shower and a vocabulary.
     I need to clarify something.  I don't think I am better than everyone.  Fuck everyone and fuck me too, who the hell even cares.  I do think that I am better at insulting everyone, and making fun of people is funny.  Fuckin' A-holes, it's called making fun.  Let me make my own fucking fun you sensitive dicks.  I am a trying to be a goddamn inventor of awesomeness and fun for myself.  You don't like it, then go somewhere else and look at dicks or something like you usually do.  Yeah, if you like porn, you like looking at dicks.  You aren't watching all lesbo porn ya dicklover.
     Everyone follows their own paths.  People will like what they like and act how they act regardless of how stupid and lame I may perceive their actions and thoughts and preferences to be.  That does not mean that I have to keep my mouth shut if I find your choices stupid and absurd, or if you just piss me off on the wrong day.  Which is usually most days.
     I can be, and am, civil when it is necessary.  I cannot function in society without holding back my true thoughts most of the time.  But I have been known on occasion to call men sloptwats and snaggletooth cunts and dicklovers.  I once called a woman "eyebrow".  It was the first thing I noticed.  It was thick and fat all over her stupid face, it may well have been a headband.  She probably had mad bush. 
     I should have called her Mad Bush, I bet she really was a member of The Undernuts.  Dammit, I hope I see her again, if only to foil her plans for world domination.  She wants to turn the whole world into a dirty hairy jungle where the rivers run red with clots of blood.  Period jokes are easy.  Not like a period piece, fancy costumes are hard.
     Anyway, I hate society anymore.  We have to be so nice to everybody and for what?  To be sensitive and spare their feelings.
     Well, you want to know how I feel about that?  Here goes...fuck your fucking feelings.  Just fuck 'em right in the ol' undernuts.  Go fuckin' feel yourself if you like fucking stupid feelings so much.  Go feel some hogballs you pantywaist.  That's something my fifth grade flag football coach used to call us kids.  Pantywaists.  He also called us fruits.  He was super right, because flag football is super fruity.  You are trying to grab and pull at dangly things hanging around a dudes waistline.
     He was an odd coach.  Whenever one of us was going low to grab at a flag he would scream "OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!!"  I doubt the open mouth tackle has made its way into pro football.  If you think that really happened then open your mouth.
     Anyway, if you go through your life with everyone being super nice and accommodating to you and always making you feel better about yourself and telling you to OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!! even when its insanely obvious to you and everyone else that you need to make changes and keep your mouth shut, then you will never have any reason to shut up and change anything.  Everyone can be better at being themselves and judging from what I see all of this positive reinforcement is having a negative effect. 
     Do you think Thundernuts got to where he is because everyone said it was alright to have rumbly balls and a shocky cock?  Of course not.  People were mean and horrible to him because he was different and strange, but he took that pain and criticism and persevered and eventually he took on Lady Eyebrow McMadbush and The Undernuts and he fucking won.  Unlike our fifth grade flag football team, which didn't win a damn shittin' thing.
     I am not saying that those stupid people I insulted can be heroes, but they can take the first step towards greatness with a shower.  If you look and smell like ballskin, if you look like you just woke up and peeled yourself from under the weight a giant scrotum, if you are just plain fucking balls you should by buying soap. 
     You shouldn't be hanging around in front of the fucking milk boring me to death as you OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!! and make me wait.  You are some ballskin livin' motherfuckers. 

Hellwagon.