People are straight fucked up.
I am fine with that, for I find your mental illness and overall sickness and depravity intriguing and hilarious. Whoever you fucking are out there guy, I am ever so pleased that you discovered Hellwagon by typing "big women fire pussy farts" into Google. I love that this construct allows me to see how you got here, so I can tell you to go fuck right off to anywhere else. I know some fucked up people and they even said that made them sick.
Congratulations, fat pussy fart dude, you are the bottom.
Granted, I do say a lot of messed up shit. I am foul mouthed and disgusting and a bit twisted. Fair enough. One thing I am not is a sad ass dick slapping weirdo pervert. Now, if you typed "big women fire pussy farts" because you were looking for a fat woman setting a queef blast on fire? Totally acceptable due to its inherent hilarity. I hope you find a video of a woman sitting in front of a roaring campfire and the ensuing explosion scared off a grizzly bear.
Now, if you are getting off by watching a fat woman fire off a shitload of pussy farts? Totally unacceptable and what the fuck is wrong with you. How is that even a fetish? Women are hot enough just being women. They shouldn't have to do anything weird or special and they really shouldn't have to, or be able to, fire off a barrage of fucked up twat farts for you. Women get the rawest of fucking deals because men have led themselves to believe that a woman just being a woman isn't enough for them anymore. Now they have to do tricks like dogs.
I have never seen a dog pull off that trick. She can catch a Frisbee, yes indeed, but she cannot do that.
Now, I thought "big women fire pussy farts" was bad enough. I had no idea that including the words "pussy farts" in a previous post would lead to such catastrophic discoveries. Apparently these fusty bursts of air are an terrifying epidemic. The plague of our modern age. Another person was brought to Hellwagon by typing "my wife's pussy blowing pussy farts after hard fucking". I guess I am going to be perceived as some kind of queef expert at some point due to all of these freaks finding me from pussy farts.
This dude must have been to a point a frenzied terror. His lady was just blasting one after the other after all that hard fucking and he was getting frantic. The sheets were scorched and his beanbag hair was singed off. Her muff hair was flapping so hard in the breeze it looked like an Irish setter with its head out the window. What do I do now, he thought. Can this be stopped? I know, I will do an internet search about "my wife's pussy blowing pussy farts after hard fucking", then I will finally get some relief from all this queef.
Goddamn right you will sir. Does your wife queef beyond belief after some good hard fucking? Does the force of it blast you right out of the bed? Are your bed sheets and draperies always stained and wrinkled and flying about from being subjected to thunderous pussy farts? WELL NO MORE!!! No need to call the fire chief, say so long to the grief of all that queef thanks to The Queef Thief!
Yes, for the low price of $3.47 you too can own The Queef Thief, it steals the stink as quick as a blink. I know it may just look like a dirty old funnel taped to a stolen garden hose with the other end of the hose stuck out the goddamn window because that is exactly what the fuck this thing is. Just duct tape this stupid shit all over your wife's lady business and get the hell on with your evening. Sure, the neighbors will think its Oktoberfest because it sounds like a German oom-pah band, but fuck your neighbors. This is about your burning retinas, the safety of your children and the paint peeling off your walls.
So say auf-wiedersehen to pussy fart stains, and wrap the funnel on her tunnel. Ich Bin Ein Queef Theif!!! Patent pending.
I thought that guy was having a bad night. Then the third searcher found me, it was like A Christmas Carol, only instead of being visited by ghosts who wanted me to change my ways, I was being discovered by random pervy jackasses with gross ass pussy fart problems and this poor son of a bitch...
"Has anyone tore their anus from farting?"
Awesome. I say that out loud slowly without a hint of sarcasm.
How powerful does a fart have to be for this to become a genuine concern for you? Was it one incredibly long and forceful fart, or multiple power blasts? I can't imagine what brought someone to that point, but this is the person I want to come back and talk to me. If you do come back, oh ye of the hard nasty rectum ripping fart that nearly tore your anus asunder, please describe the scenario that led you this dark place.
I think I am assuming too much, to think that this poor ass ripping maniac is a man. It could be an old lady who is having an adverse reaction to her new medication and is concerned for the waning tenacity of her O ring. I just picture her hunched feebly over her computer, farting and shaking and sobbing at the same time. A single tear lands on the keyboard as a fart blows her billowy nightgown about. She has no one else to turn to, she cries out from both ends, but no one hears her. Her dog just sniffs the air as it cowers in the corner wondering how a thunderstorm got inside the house.
She trembles with fear over what the next fart might do. Searching everywhere for an answer because the doctor can't take her call right now and then she goes to the internet and she finds me. The best worst fucking luck ever.
As if having your asshole raped from the inside out isn't bad enough, in your darkest hour you encounter nothing but sarcasm.
I hope your old lady asshole is doing swell.
I don't know. I don't have any solutions to these problems. Though I would like more of these people to stop by so that I may laugh and rejoice at their depraved plight. So, this is going to be science. I want to get normal people to find this place by typing in simultaneously normal and fucked up things.
Make your wife happy in bed by learning how to be a gentle passionate lover by remembering to flush to fucking toilet, that mountain of inhuman shit was like a war crime. If the Korean War was a pile of shit, it was that pile of shit and I love you.
The best diet in the world let's you eat all the sweets you want and helps you lose weight by fingering a bear or getting fingered by a bear. I do not claim to have originated bear fingering, that honor belongs to my esteemed friend Mark. A man so fundamentally awesome that he has fingered a bear, your sister.
Seriously though, Mark is super rad and way better than you, and way better than bears. Mark invented fingering. I bet he even invented bears, just so he could finger them. And he did all of that without being a braggart about it. You losers could learn something from him, least of which is how to invent and consequently finger a goddamn bear.
I think guys tend to forget about fingering after high school. I think it is good that they move on. It's not that I think that fingering is a young man's game, but I imagine that fingering is pretty much the equivalent of a hand job. Hand jobs are not at all awesome. If I can do it myself then I am already bored with it. And the best goddamn hand job ever is still just a goddamn hand job. You ever pull a carrot out of the ground? It's not really that big of a deal.
No one is ever going to be impressed that you got a hand job. It's like you got a new car, but it's a Ford Focus. I'm happy for you, but not at all impressed.
Hellwagon.
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