I am forty and I am tired of shitting. I've had it. Yeah motherfucker I said it. I know that men are supposed to totally love taking a shit, like making a huge pile of waste is fucking awesome, and that sentiment is ingrained into every sitcom husband and stand up comic in history. The show usually goes 'I'm an old sloppy fat faggy fuckload and I love to take a long giant shit and brag about it,' and everyone howls with disbelief and laughter because its mostly stupid and true.
Well, taking a shit just isn't fun or funny anymore. It always stinks, it's hot and sweaty and boring and a waste of my goddamn time. It's not always hot and sweaty, just lately, because its been really hot. I am sure people with phones you can finger get a lot of important stuff done on the toilet as they finger shit, but later that day you are basically just putting your mouth on your own ass when you talk on the phone. Now that's sexy, no wonder your breath smells like shit.
My shit has been going on long enough. I mean, a shit never really ends. You know there is more shit in there waiting its turn, it's just not ready to emerge from the cave. Hell, when I die there will still be shit left to do. I guess I will have a shit bucket list. Technically I have been taking a forty year shit and living my life in between the turds.
My Life In Between the Turds. Sounds like a Lifetime movie biography of a fly. The only time he is really left alone is on a turd, who is going to step on or smash his guts out then. It's his peaceful moment amidst a world trying to murder him. I really hope that reincarnation is an impossibility. If so, I will likely end up being a fly. Reincarnation certainly sounds stupid enough to be true. If something is stupid, it's usually true.
For example, math. Adding shit, subtracting it, who cares, it's boring and stupid, but true. Honesty. Honesty is usually true and always stupid. For example, your great aunt has rampaging hemorrhoids and oozy anal warts and you smell like one too. Super true, and slightly stupid. In my opinion, math is far more idiotic than your aunt's anal warts, unless you feel like counting them, then I guess you will need fucking math for that. In any case, if you count anal warts you are gross and stupid and need a better hobby.
Except for math. Math is not a hobby option. I don't like math.
Me plus math equals fuck math.
Back to some dumb ass reincarnation shit. I hate almost all insects and would hate to be reborn as one, given my horrible attitude and general assholiness my life as a bug would be inevitable. (I would love to be The Pope of Assholes just so people could call me His Assholiness, The Asshole Pope). Anyway, I have no doubt that I would be reborn as the lowest form of life. A fly. A fly is the lowest for one reason, who in the hell fucks ON a turd.
Plenty of people in the world love to plow ass, more ass pounding power to them. It must be super great if so many people love it, men love it, some women love it. It's not for me but hey for you, way to go, good luck with all of your dick and ball stink. Anything that touches ass smells like ass, that's fucking science. Dick and balls, and let's be real, all crotches in general stink. It is a musty sweatshop down there. Plus, it's adjacent to ass. Adjacent to ass equals a hint of ass.
There is some fucking math for you math, you fuck. Crotch plus ass equals Crotchass. I wipe my ass with you math. Crotch is tainted with an aroma of ass. A spritz of ass. Has to be. If you fart a lot, you are just spending your day perfuming your crotch with Chanel Number Two.
It's stupid and true, like fucking math and reincarnation and your dead relatives drippy hemorrhoids. You probably fart directly onto your own balls and it sounds like a horse pulling it's hoof out of the mud. You and your Mom.
Anyway, I know that insects aren't really trying to set the mood with some Barry White and candlelight, but man, you gotta get off the turd to do your business. I know that the ladies like to make the distinction between making love and fucking, so let me be clear to all the fly ladies out there, if you are getting nailed on a turd, you are fucking. No one makes love on a turd.
Let us reconsider that though, because for a fly a fresh dog turd is the place to be. They love that shit. So, maybe taking your fly lady to the local turd for some hot lovin' is like taking her to a five star hotel. It's a meal and a soft place to get it on all in one. I have seen a lot of dog turds in my life and now I am wondering if they all turn white because it's a fly fuck spot. An aged dog turd just may be coated with a silky sheen of fly cream. I am not sure if that is true, but it's stupid enough to be true.
I guess the real reason I hate to shit now is because of my kids. I promised myself I wouldn't talk about my kids, but fuck you so there. My bathroom is not a sanctuary anymore, it's a prison. I sat down the other night to shit and in walks my three year old daughter saying she has to poop. No knock, no warning, for a kid every bathroom visit is a fucking emergency and the entire universe has to heed the unstoppable tsunami. "I am in here and I am taking a crap now, fuck what you're doing old man, my shit supersedes yours." Kids have manifest destiny over shit.
I was going to do the gentlemanly thing, the fatherly thing, clean up and give up the toilet. I wasn't even given the chance. She sat on the plastic potty and it immediately sounded like hailstones hitting a car roof. She finished in thirty seconds and left. She left the potty lid up leaving me sitting there on the toilet faced with a pile of unwanted shit. It tore apart the room like Satan's napalm.
The best part of taking a shit is that you are not watching it happen, you are getting rid of it as you stare in the opposite direction. That is the whole point. That is why toilet bowls are not transparent. If you watch yourself shit you should be quarantined and sterilized and have your shit taken away from you. So, there I was, left half naked in a small room confronted with a pile of someones shit, and I found that to be a harsh and bleak reality.
Looking at shit as you shit, well, it just makes you hate your life. It makes you feel less than human, like a worthless insect. It's a grim and humbling spectacle to be left alone with. It makes you want to give up. Even my asshole said, yeah pal, we're done here, let's get the fuck out. This shit is over. To be stupid and honest about it, what my asshole said was popsnappurplemachinegundynamitepoweroutage. Snap, Crackle, Pope.
X plus X equals fucking X. Solve for X. X is shit.
Fuck you math.
Hellwagon.
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