I created an exciting new holiday tradition the other day. It was a stroke of genius on my part and if it has already been done before by someone else I really couldn't give a fuckin' shit because I had never heard of it before I thought of it so that means I invented it, so get offa my case toilet face.
That is how it works in my world. I don't care if someone said something I said before or came up with an idea that I claim to have invented ten years after they actually did it. If it's new to me and came out of my brain, that means I invented this shit and any tiny little a-holes who claim otherwise can have a giant lick of Rosie O'Donnell's knobby dildo.
I bet that thing is worn down to the nub and it probably looks like a ten day old half eaten mini pizza roll. Big ol' Rosie is scrubbin' that nub with her brillo pad. Oh yeah, that's it baby, you big ol' fuckin' tub havin' a rub on that worn out nub. At this point it looks like her hairy big toe knuckle. She's a straight up big nubby toe knuckle fucker.
Awesome. She would wear your toenails right the fuck off. If she gave your foot the dry hump it would feel like an orbital sander pulsating in a bucket of applesauce, she could probably take it down to your arch as she screamed "Wiggle your toes Potsie", or something along those lines. You would be haunted by odd sounds. You hear a fat dude in wet socks and flip flops walking on a sandy sidewalk at the beach and you throw up. It's sloppy and crispy all at once. God, it kind of makes her snatch sound like a bowl of Shredded Wheat.
Anywho....back to my awesome holiday extravaganza idea and shit. This Easter I am going to dye my man balls to look like Easter Eggs. That may even be my Halloween costume this year.
Let that masterpiece sink in, absorb the veritable magic mind fire that I just unleashed. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Nothing. Totally safe and harmless. If the materials involved are safe for kids, they have got to be safe for all our man balls. It's safe for titties too ladies. Why not give them some color? Vinegar and dye and come look at these guys. I am thinking of some light pastels for my boys, pink and yellow with daisy decals, perhaps a frolicking bunny. I know, I bet you were thinking blue balls weren't you.
For you single guys out there, what better way to pick up a lady than to say....
"Hey baby, I dyed my balls to look like Easter Eggs."
"You have a booger flapping out of your nose."
"Ahhhh yeah, that's right. (you fumble around your nose trying to look cool while ridding yourself of the rogue bogey) You got me so excited my nose came. Boogies and snots is just nose cum baby. Means you got me like extra hot, like I snorted up some hot sauce or I just bit into a hot pie just by looking at you. Now, how would you like to go on an Easter Egg hunt in my man panties."
"You have dandruff in your eyebrows."
"And you can bet your ass it's snowing down at the South Pole too baby. My right ball is a big ass fluffy snow globe and Mr. Lefty is a glazed pink Easter Egg with a creamy center. It's the holiday season, the perfect reason to give my dick some squeezin'."
"Did you just fart? That was really fucking loud, it made ripples in that pond over there and knocked over some kids sailboat. He's crying."
"I'm lactose intolerant baby. Just thinking about milk makes me shit all on myself. Must be them big ol' womanly style titties giving me the thunder down under."
"I think your Mom is here to pick you up. Is that a tandem bicycle with a basket on the front?"
And scene.
I really got nothing else after that. I am not much of a holiday person, maybe because at the holidays you don't do cool shit like dye your balls and put stickers on them. You eat and shit and watch shit and do all kinds of wholesome shitty stuff like 'being together'. Just thinking about the upcoming holiday season is making me want to unzip my fly, open the hatch and retch on my eggs..
Personally, I think Santa Claus is a total dick. Yeah, that's right. What's he going to do about it? Nothing. That frosty inbred tub of shit can go get his balls stuck to the north pole. Those elves should weld his asshole shut. Lazy one day a year working motherfucker takes all the credit for my whole year of fucking work. Yeah, I have kids, I get the whole magic of Christmas crock of shit, so I haven't ruined it for them, but that doesn't mean I think it's fine that some mystical fat shithead is taking all the credit for my toil.
Halloween isn't fun anymore either, and it's not because I'm an adult. It's because everyone on earth is a goddamn pedophile. I shouldn't have to consult a Megan's law website before I take my kids out for candy. I don't want to sound like some old timey back in my day kind of dick, but back in my dicky old timey day the only problems were assholes who gave you shitty candy and toothpaste.
And straight up fuck your mystery bag. God I hated that little white bag filled with horrible shit, stapled shut so I can't see what's in it until I get home. You can be damn sure it's Sixlets or Smarties or a fucking Circus Peanut. I would have loved to shove a Circus Peanut as big as a football up an old lady's ass. It would have tasted better that putting it in your mouth.
One time a lady gave me a ziploc bag with five pennies in it. Over thirty years later and I still have the burden of remembering that random crap. Jesus Christ, how do we not have any control over what ends up in the ongoing mental montage of our life. I remember she dropped it in my bag and I immediately pulled it back out in front of her to see what it was and she took it out of my hand and dropped it back in the bag and stared at me. Like I was the one being a dick.
Look lady, you knew how fucked up that was. You were the total dick that night, not me. You asshole. If you're that fucking broke, turn off your goddamn lights instead of having to embarrass the both of us over five cents.
Not a nickel. Five cents. Five sad little fucking pennies in a bag. I should have burned her goddman house down.
That made me laugh like hell. Just picturing nine year old me heaving a Molotov cocktail through the night sky as I scream "PENNIES!!!! WHO GIVES AWAY PENNIES YOU STUPID DICK???!!!!"
I wish that was in my montage. It's never too late though. Maybe someday some stupid stranger will be a total dick and give one of my kids some pennies in a ziploc sandwich bag. They will look at me, confused over the transaction that has just taken place. Where is the candy, Father? We were promised candy, not spare change. We are not beggars and bums, are we Father?
No we're certainly fucking not.
Now come here and help Daddy light this candle.
Make a wish.
Hellwagon.
