I found myself wondering the other day if you could make a person float like a balloon by plugging up all their holes but one and jamming that last hole up with the nozzle from a helium tank. Then I wondered which hole would get the nozzle, a thought which lasted about two seconds before deciding emphatically that for a man the last hole would be the asshole. Intestines are miles long and have plenty of experience with gas already. A plan comes together, thank you Hannibal.
Plus, if you are a human balloon, you definitely want the string tied to your back end and not up by your head. If the string is around your neck you would hang upside down all day and look a right stupid cunt as you pissed in your own face.
For a woman, well, it's gotta be the ol' gopher den. Yes, that is quite a pretty terrible euphemism, even for me. I don't mean that it's all big and cavernous and the gopher from Caddyshack lives in it. Although if it can house a baby, then a gopher's abode is not completely out of the question. I will concede that even though I believe a gopher may be able to live there, no gophers come from there originally and none are living there currently that I know of. Gophers only come from gopher holes.
Man. I just thought of a way to make Groundhog Day super awesome. Punxsutawney Phil could emerge from the crotch of a wax figure of Kim Kardashian. Then he could throw up and shit on her, that means an early spring.
And the term foxhole just took on a whole new meaning for me. A gross one. Although you could put a spin on it, foxy lady walks by, she must have quite the foxhole.
Scratch that, it's completely fucking horrible.
Let me just say that I have never nor will I ever expect a gopher to come out of a lady's special lady area, certainly not one coughing through clouds of smoke after it escaped from an exploding squirrel. The Kenny Loggins music is a possibility. Somewhere in the world a woman is stripping to Danger Zone.
I don't believe that, but I will hope for it because I love Kenny Loggins and I once knew a guy who changed his bedpan.
If I had just escaped an explosion by emerging from a giant smoky vagina, I might dance a little myself. A Safety Dance, because I was safe. Perhaps gophers dig and live in holes because it reminds them of other holes they like. I have a lot of stupid theories about why animals do the things they do, but answer me this, who doesn't like a good hole?
There has to be a human vagina somewhere on this earth that looks exactly like or even worse than a hole a gopher dug. Just savage looking. Ransacked. Shattered, like a jittery meth addict robbed the place and set it on fire on the way out. Shit, just watch an episode of Cops, you will see some world class rotten slopbox on there. If you can't be bothered to run a comb through your hair or brush your teeth then it's pretty safe to assume that you are sporting a straight up fucking junkyard.
Have you ever wanted to see a tampon ignite on impact? Neither have I.
There should be a Worst Hole trophy. We as a society love to make losers feel like winners. God forbid someone should have hurt feelings and as a result develop resilience and character and drive. Applaud the mediocre so no one tries harder and everyone feels good about themselves. Have you seen people lately? No one should be feeling all that good about themselves.
If you get a trophy for trying your best, why not get one for not trying at all. It's more of an accomplishment to be the absolute worst than the middle of the pack. It's a distinction. Worst Hole ever trophy could be given the singer of the band Hole. You could probably surmise the entire history of Courtney Love's liver lipped flytrap by reading the bumps. That shit is probably like some knobby ass braille heaven, or you might just think you stuck your hand in a dented can of olives.
Man, do I ever get sidetracked. Started off simple. Human Balloon. Somehow ended up ponderin' about the most horrible snatch on the planet. Brains are great and horrible at the same time, like accidentally hearing your Mom have diarrhea. It's the best kind of trauma. Trust me, your Mom has all kinds of fucking loud hot ass burnin' diarrhea and accidentally hearing it happen is both hilarious and terrifying, like my brain.
Your Mom has a hot ass. From all the diarrhea.
Anyway, the only way I could get human ballooning to work would be to hollow myself out and then I would be dead so what's the point. I guess my friends and relatives could do that after I die. Hollow me out, seal me up and fill me with helium. It would make the whole funeral business a lot more festive, everyone could take a turn holding my string. I am certain at some point someone would untie the balloon knot and let the air out so I would fly around the room all farty noisy and such.
Once is never enough for that either, it never is, who doesn't like watching some fast movin' fart action. But if you are going to be a dick and keep doing it over and over I will make sure that the only way you can blow air into my body is through my asshole. I would have said cockhole, but then I thought about it and I didn't want my funeral to degenerate to me farting out of my dead cockhole as my balls flapped about while people ran around in fear and panic and fainted on the floor.
I would love to see someone explaining that awesome spectacle of degeneration on Cops.
Maybe I do need psychotherapy. Maybe I have already had some. Maybe fuck yourself.
Hellwagon.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
THE OSTRICH - NATURE'S DUMBEST TESTICLE
Before I move on to the newest insane pile of shit my brain has pushed out its brain ass, I would just like to say that someone found the Hellwagon by Googling "pussy fart poems". Life is indeed, awesome.
And they say that romance is dead.
So, for that one romantic soul in the universe who wants to give his loved one a poem about her pussy farts, I bequeef this poem...
Nothing mends my broken heart,
Like the smell of your pussy fart.
Is that Chanel or old corned beef?
No, Tis the must of your lovely queef.
Fuck you Shakespeare. You think you're so great, try that pussy fart on for size you stupid dick. Anyway, I think it's pretty goddamn cool that someone is out there looking for poems about queefs. It restores my faith in humanity.
On with it then....
The evidence that God somewhat gives a shit can be found in shit. Specifically in the liquidity of birdshit. I mean, he doesn't really care quite enough that we don't get shit on at all, and let's face it, watching people get shit on is probably really fucking funny to God. It's probably why there are birds in the first goddamn place, and it should be fucking funny to everyone who isn't getting shit on, especially seeing someone take a shit shot to the face.
That is some lovely magic isn't it, it's times like that when I wish I could slow motion my life. Just out of nowhere, someone you love is talking and bird shit splatters all over their shocked face. You never see it coming, like a fart that lets some poop out. It's brilliant. It's a wonderful moment in time.
It's natures money shot.
If I was Oprah, this would be an episode for one of my favorite things. Yes, I have watched Oprah. Everyone has. Go ahead and lie about, it just makes you even more faggy and stupid. I'm a big tough sumbitch and I ain't never watched no goddamn Oprah. Of course you haven't Jethro, you are far too busy fisting goats and jacking off their antlers that you painted to look like cocks, you probably spend your free time trying to blow a load in your own mouth rather than watching the miracle of Oprah ya cuntdick.
I can see the audience waiting in excitement for my big reveal, what will his favorite thing be this time. I am not giving away expensive cars or trips and they all look up to the ceiling when the balloons fall . Little do they know that I have thousands of blow darts rigged to shoot from the walls all Indiana Jones style and the balloons are filled with birdshit. Balloons drop, darts fly, we all get shitfaced. How do I get birdshit in balloons? Put unhatched eggs in balloons and fucking wait genius. How would you do it? Scoop the shit up and put it in? Stupid.
Birdshit happens to everyone at some point, and if I knew fuckall about mathematics and statistical probability I could probably prove this poo theorem to be factual, but let us just take it as an absolute truth that everyone gets shit on and not give a fuck about the math you shitfaced nerd. Lots of birds, lots of birdie shit falling from the sky translates to a birdie shittin' on your nerdy dickhead face.
God did not make birdshit solid, I mean there is that hard black bit in the middle, like an Almond Joy. I think we got a pretty good deal from God as far as the birdshit goes though. Yeah, sure, the truth and reality of it is probably different. I guess it might have something to do with the lack of fiber in their diet and all the berries and bugs they eat, but whatever the fuck ever. Yeah, I know that birdholes are everything holes. It's a shit, piss and fuckhole. So, sorry to tell you all but I think that lady bird shit very probably has some leftover bird jizz in it from fucking dude birds. Not a lot of jizz, a bird sized portion.
I don't imagine a bird blows a huge fuckall load and goes all 'yeah, take it Tweety'. If birds blew big loads they would probably be shooting each other out of the sky and crashing planes and what have you. What if a really sexy bird flew by a murder of horny crows or something, it would turn into a shooting gallery and then the next day I walk through my yard and find a dead spermy bird.
Gives a whole new meaning to birdbath now doesn't it.
Having an everything hole sounds very efficient and all, but I honestly don't know how birds get any fucking done. It's gross. It's not very sexy to have to plow bird dick into the everything hole. All birds take it up the butt, they have no choice, they are taking it up the everything.
Thank God men don't have an everything hole. I can only imagine how horrible it would be to try to force a turd out of my dick. So, a big no thank you to pushing out dickturds. A big hell yes to calling people dickturds henceforth.
Hey, you, yeah you, you fucking dickturd. When it works it works.
So let us all give thanks for no dickturds and liquid birdshit. The potential for disasters stemming from solid birdshit is almost too much to fathom, but the worst of them all would be all of the disabled children. A grown man could take a birdshit bomb no problem, but a baby with a soft spot is just asking for it. I bet it's like a goddamn bullseye to a bird.
Thank God that the organizational powers of birds are pretty limited to flying in V's and finding food and pooping on cars and such. If they had a sense of humor and an A-Team attitude, why wouldn't they pick out one person on the block to coat with shit for a week and then move on. If I see a bird out the window smoking a cigar like Hannibal Smith, you can bet your funky ass I am not going outside that day.
Wouldn't you do that though? If you could fly and were a complete asshole, you and all of your asshole friends could go out for a fly and just for a laugh the hundred or so of you could carpet bomb some bastard who was yawning in his yard as he went out to get the paper. You do it seven days straight and you have just changed that dudes life. I think Hitchcock truly missed out on the real terror that a bird can inflict. Big deal, peck at me, peck my stupid eyes out, who gives a fuck, when I'm dead the terror is over.
Shit on me every day, my terror lasts forever.
Honestly though, if you cannot find a way to fight off a flock of birds there is something wrong with you. Hairspray and a lighter comes to mind. A hose. Badminton racket. How tough is an animal that you can beat with water? Oh no, here comes the fucking birds, quick get me a squirt gun. You could even fill a Supersoaker with bleach and aim for the eyes.
Blind birds are the stupidest looking dicks in the universe.
Birds are just fucking dumb. Even the ones that aren't blinded by my bleach cannon fly right into the side of giant goddamn buildings like incredible morons. At least if they were blind they would have an excuse as to why they failed so miserably to miss the gigantic fucking window. I don't want to hear any explanation as to why they do it, so you can keep your fucking science to yourself. You can't use science to give me a reason why an animal looks fucking stupid. It can see a worm from the sky but can't see a building. Yeah, science that up for me nerds and tell me birds aren't fucking imbeciles.
I don't care if birds cannot understand what a reflection is, they are fucking dumb. I guess I cannot hope to expect to orchestrate a flying division of shitting birds to attack your house when the gang of them can't tell what a fucking window is.
The ostrich is the worst bird ever, at least other birds fly and are lovely to look at. Ostriches don't fly because their shit could kill babies and their diarrhea could drown a toddler. Most birds are beautiful and I love the flying idiots. I really do. But ostriches, fuck 'em. Fuck a goddamn ostrich in its everything hole. An ostrich looks like a giant walking scrotum. If your balls swelled up and came to life and walked around and ate bugs, well then your balls would be an ostrich.
I think that may be the most disturbing image I have ever conjured. My balls turn into a flightless bird and eat bugs. Nice work brain, what the fuck is wrong with you.
Who knows, maybe that is what ostriches really are and we have named them all wrong. I am sure science has studied their bones and habits and all that, so they probably really aren't giant scrotums. I think I would have heard about that by now, that ostriches were actually giant scrotums, unless the government is keeping it a secret. Nice job, government, my tax dollars go to keeping the true identity of ostriches under wraps. I know balls when I see them.
They should make a snack called Scroyums, and of course there are creamy centers you dick.
Ostriches very probably don't act very scrotumy at all. Ostriches don't hang out in pairs all cool like, talking about the noisy asshole who lives around the corner and all that. Balls give each other the low two all the time, they never fist bump, because that shit is lame.
Ah, your poor balls, there's always a dick in front of them at the movies.
Hellwagon
And they say that romance is dead.
So, for that one romantic soul in the universe who wants to give his loved one a poem about her pussy farts, I bequeef this poem...
Nothing mends my broken heart,
Like the smell of your pussy fart.
Is that Chanel or old corned beef?
No, Tis the must of your lovely queef.
Fuck you Shakespeare. You think you're so great, try that pussy fart on for size you stupid dick. Anyway, I think it's pretty goddamn cool that someone is out there looking for poems about queefs. It restores my faith in humanity.
On with it then....
The evidence that God somewhat gives a shit can be found in shit. Specifically in the liquidity of birdshit. I mean, he doesn't really care quite enough that we don't get shit on at all, and let's face it, watching people get shit on is probably really fucking funny to God. It's probably why there are birds in the first goddamn place, and it should be fucking funny to everyone who isn't getting shit on, especially seeing someone take a shit shot to the face.
That is some lovely magic isn't it, it's times like that when I wish I could slow motion my life. Just out of nowhere, someone you love is talking and bird shit splatters all over their shocked face. You never see it coming, like a fart that lets some poop out. It's brilliant. It's a wonderful moment in time.
It's natures money shot.
If I was Oprah, this would be an episode for one of my favorite things. Yes, I have watched Oprah. Everyone has. Go ahead and lie about, it just makes you even more faggy and stupid. I'm a big tough sumbitch and I ain't never watched no goddamn Oprah. Of course you haven't Jethro, you are far too busy fisting goats and jacking off their antlers that you painted to look like cocks, you probably spend your free time trying to blow a load in your own mouth rather than watching the miracle of Oprah ya cuntdick.
I can see the audience waiting in excitement for my big reveal, what will his favorite thing be this time. I am not giving away expensive cars or trips and they all look up to the ceiling when the balloons fall . Little do they know that I have thousands of blow darts rigged to shoot from the walls all Indiana Jones style and the balloons are filled with birdshit. Balloons drop, darts fly, we all get shitfaced. How do I get birdshit in balloons? Put unhatched eggs in balloons and fucking wait genius. How would you do it? Scoop the shit up and put it in? Stupid.
Birdshit happens to everyone at some point, and if I knew fuckall about mathematics and statistical probability I could probably prove this poo theorem to be factual, but let us just take it as an absolute truth that everyone gets shit on and not give a fuck about the math you shitfaced nerd. Lots of birds, lots of birdie shit falling from the sky translates to a birdie shittin' on your nerdy dickhead face.
God did not make birdshit solid, I mean there is that hard black bit in the middle, like an Almond Joy. I think we got a pretty good deal from God as far as the birdshit goes though. Yeah, sure, the truth and reality of it is probably different. I guess it might have something to do with the lack of fiber in their diet and all the berries and bugs they eat, but whatever the fuck ever. Yeah, I know that birdholes are everything holes. It's a shit, piss and fuckhole. So, sorry to tell you all but I think that lady bird shit very probably has some leftover bird jizz in it from fucking dude birds. Not a lot of jizz, a bird sized portion.
I don't imagine a bird blows a huge fuckall load and goes all 'yeah, take it Tweety'. If birds blew big loads they would probably be shooting each other out of the sky and crashing planes and what have you. What if a really sexy bird flew by a murder of horny crows or something, it would turn into a shooting gallery and then the next day I walk through my yard and find a dead spermy bird.
Gives a whole new meaning to birdbath now doesn't it.
Having an everything hole sounds very efficient and all, but I honestly don't know how birds get any fucking done. It's gross. It's not very sexy to have to plow bird dick into the everything hole. All birds take it up the butt, they have no choice, they are taking it up the everything.
Thank God men don't have an everything hole. I can only imagine how horrible it would be to try to force a turd out of my dick. So, a big no thank you to pushing out dickturds. A big hell yes to calling people dickturds henceforth.
Hey, you, yeah you, you fucking dickturd. When it works it works.
So let us all give thanks for no dickturds and liquid birdshit. The potential for disasters stemming from solid birdshit is almost too much to fathom, but the worst of them all would be all of the disabled children. A grown man could take a birdshit bomb no problem, but a baby with a soft spot is just asking for it. I bet it's like a goddamn bullseye to a bird.
Thank God that the organizational powers of birds are pretty limited to flying in V's and finding food and pooping on cars and such. If they had a sense of humor and an A-Team attitude, why wouldn't they pick out one person on the block to coat with shit for a week and then move on. If I see a bird out the window smoking a cigar like Hannibal Smith, you can bet your funky ass I am not going outside that day.
Wouldn't you do that though? If you could fly and were a complete asshole, you and all of your asshole friends could go out for a fly and just for a laugh the hundred or so of you could carpet bomb some bastard who was yawning in his yard as he went out to get the paper. You do it seven days straight and you have just changed that dudes life. I think Hitchcock truly missed out on the real terror that a bird can inflict. Big deal, peck at me, peck my stupid eyes out, who gives a fuck, when I'm dead the terror is over.
Shit on me every day, my terror lasts forever.
Honestly though, if you cannot find a way to fight off a flock of birds there is something wrong with you. Hairspray and a lighter comes to mind. A hose. Badminton racket. How tough is an animal that you can beat with water? Oh no, here comes the fucking birds, quick get me a squirt gun. You could even fill a Supersoaker with bleach and aim for the eyes.
Blind birds are the stupidest looking dicks in the universe.
Birds are just fucking dumb. Even the ones that aren't blinded by my bleach cannon fly right into the side of giant goddamn buildings like incredible morons. At least if they were blind they would have an excuse as to why they failed so miserably to miss the gigantic fucking window. I don't want to hear any explanation as to why they do it, so you can keep your fucking science to yourself. You can't use science to give me a reason why an animal looks fucking stupid. It can see a worm from the sky but can't see a building. Yeah, science that up for me nerds and tell me birds aren't fucking imbeciles.
I don't care if birds cannot understand what a reflection is, they are fucking dumb. I guess I cannot hope to expect to orchestrate a flying division of shitting birds to attack your house when the gang of them can't tell what a fucking window is.
The ostrich is the worst bird ever, at least other birds fly and are lovely to look at. Ostriches don't fly because their shit could kill babies and their diarrhea could drown a toddler. Most birds are beautiful and I love the flying idiots. I really do. But ostriches, fuck 'em. Fuck a goddamn ostrich in its everything hole. An ostrich looks like a giant walking scrotum. If your balls swelled up and came to life and walked around and ate bugs, well then your balls would be an ostrich.
I think that may be the most disturbing image I have ever conjured. My balls turn into a flightless bird and eat bugs. Nice work brain, what the fuck is wrong with you.
Who knows, maybe that is what ostriches really are and we have named them all wrong. I am sure science has studied their bones and habits and all that, so they probably really aren't giant scrotums. I think I would have heard about that by now, that ostriches were actually giant scrotums, unless the government is keeping it a secret. Nice job, government, my tax dollars go to keeping the true identity of ostriches under wraps. I know balls when I see them.
They should make a snack called Scroyums, and of course there are creamy centers you dick.
Ostriches very probably don't act very scrotumy at all. Ostriches don't hang out in pairs all cool like, talking about the noisy asshole who lives around the corner and all that. Balls give each other the low two all the time, they never fist bump, because that shit is lame.
Ah, your poor balls, there's always a dick in front of them at the movies.
Hellwagon
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