I PROCLAIM THAT YOUR ASSHOLE IS NOT A SAUCEPAN

     So I guess it's been awhile.  So guess what.  So fuck yourself.  I give a shit. 
     So guess what. 
     So what are you waiting for, go on and fuck yourself already and listen to this shit and I mean exactly shit.  I was in the men's room the other day having a well earned piss, nothing special.  You may ask yourself, how does one earn a piss?  You drink liquid, wait awhile and fucking piss stupid and then you go and fuck yourself again.  I should really go and fuck myself, it sounds terrific.
     Now, you cannot help what you overhear, you have no control over the sounds around you, noises just happen and you are left with the aftermath of dealing with them, forever.  Not that what I overheard was incredibly scarring or disturbing.  It just was.  It just fucking was dammit and now I have to know this slophole imbecile exists
     When you wipe your ass it should be one motion.  One and done.  No folding, re-using, no back and forthing as you whistle Camptown Ladies, nothing like that.  You're in and you're out, like a water slide only the slide is covered with shit smears you have clean on your way down.  Worst water park ever.
      You should have only one emotion.  Stoicism.  The job has to be done and you're the man to do it.  Act with swift purpose, perhaps you could imagine you are extracting a team of highly trained malodorous special operatives from extremely hostile territory.
     The A-Team.  Indeed.  The A-Team van is the only van not associated with perverts and rapists.  It's just badass.  Hencefort, all vans shall be of A-Team quality.  I proclaim it to be so.
     One thing you don't do is hang out at ass wiping like a fucking dirty hippie.  Goddamn dirty hippie asswipers. 
     "Oh, hey, what's up Asshole, sorry for bumping into you, just didn't see you there..."
     "Oh, hey Paper, duuuuuude, how's life been treating you?"
     "Like shit bro, hahahahaha,  I was just about to roll one up, you got any papers?  Oh, wait, I am papers."
     "Dude, chillax Paper, you wanna just hang and do some righteous bong hits and watch the tube."
     "Oh yeah, sure Asshole, just let take off my hiking socks and Birkenstocks.  I think I stepped in shit.  Oh wait, nevermind, just you dude."
     "Hey, Dude, Paperman, you got any eye drops man, my eyes are just totally bloodshot."
     "I think you mean eye, and by bloodshot I think you mean anal fissures.  Visine does not work on hemorrhoids, bro."
     Anyway, I am taking my piss and it sounds like someone is scrubbing a pan that just won't get clean.  The swirly rough motion of a brillo pad.  I hear back and forthy sounds.  Around and around sounds.  What I don't hear is new paper being pulled from the roll.  I hear wiping and rubbing and then it stops, perhaps to look at the paper, and then wiping again.
     An audible groan, as if to say "shit is still there, you mean I have to do this again, aww damn it." 
     Hey, you, you shitty ass crybaby, we have all been there.  You tough it out and soldier on and clean the shit off of yourself.  I don't know, but maybe part of your problem is that you are just rubbing and smearing the shit around like you are painting Tom Sawyer's fence.  If you rub paint around, more area gets painted.  If you rub shit around, more area gets shitty. 
     You are not doing the dishes, your asshole is not a saucepan.  Your ass crack is not a fence. 
     If you haven't figured this out by now you need to get your shit together.
     Which reminds me of another shitty story.  When I was a younger man, a chick attempted to stick her finger into my anus.  True story.  She was unsuccessful in her quest for my asshole and that is her tragic burden to bear.  I am sure it has been keeping her up at night for lo these twenty years, but no dice sister, not this guy.  I don't know if anyone truly wins when you are trying to jam a finger in some ass, but in this horrifying scenario, I believe I can claim victory.  It was at that low point in my life, however, that I realized that America had lost its ability to feel shame. 
     And you should really ask about something like that.  You don't even have to be polite, just a three second warning, enough time to clench at least.  Even a light whisper of "hey, I'm gonna check your oil" or "gonna poke a hole in your donut", something for chrissake. 
     Slip me a note, "Would you like a finger in your ass?" and include boxes that I could check yes or no.  Set it up like a blind taste test, except instead of soda there is a table with two holes.  Sit on one to have a finger inserted, sit on the other for no finger.  See which one is more popular, nine out of ten dentists agree that a finger in your ass is extremely unpleasant.  Now rinse.
     The hole with no finger could be whatever you want, a burst of baby powder, fart amplifier, feather duster, photocopier even, so I can have a picture of my ass without a finger in it.  Any other choice but something in my ass. 
     You should also not expect me to return any favors, with my finger or anything else.  I have nothing against gay.  Way to be gay, who gives a shit.  Big deal.  When you make a big deal out of something, that's when it gets annoying, like am I really supposed to give a shit and pay attention.  The world has changed enough that you can find acceptance somewhere.  You don't have to force the whole world to witness your "struggle".
     This goes for everyone.  Stop trying to make everyone tolerant and understanding of you.  Fuck you, tolerate and understand that, bunch of whiny self absorbed motherfuckers.  Like you are so fucking special.  Get behind someone elses cause for once, stop pointing the finger at yourself.
     Someone is always going to hate you, someone is always going to hate me.  Tough fucking shit, stop crying.  So, every group in the world can go on and shove your goddamn flags and parades and cries for peace and harmony and all that nonsense.  It's not happening.
     And really gay people, parades are gay even without gay people.  Fuck a parade.  Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by myself, asshole and mouth are the only options for gay, so what are you going to do.  Victim of circumstance.  However, if a woman asked me for butt action I said no thanks dude.  I love my wang too much to drive it into turd town.  You might as well say, "Hey buddy, come over here, you wanna rub your dick in this pile of shit?" 
     "No thanks, Mr. Mayor."
     And if you are going to surprise me like that, you should at least spit on your finger or something, give yourself a chance.  Going for the goal dry cost her the medal.  She went for the gold on my third pump.  I pulled out and dismounted.
     "Well, we're done."
     "My old boyfriend used to love that."
     "Well, your old boyfriend is gay.  He probably has a giant cock shoved in there now."
     And that was the last we saw of ol' stinkfinger. 
     Which brings me to my larger point, ass fingering that is exactly how I feel about welfare.  What, are you serious, social commentary springing from an ass fingering?  Fuckin' damn right.  People are sticking their finger in my ass without even bothering to ask me. 
     There is no shame in welfare anymore.  When I was a kid, we were on food stamps for a while, and they didn't give you a goddamn fancy card that you could be sneaky about.  Food stamps were rainbow colors of fucking silly money that anyone at that time could spot instantly and think you were a bum.  Anyone who had to use them felt the shame of that shit.  We all did, but we needed it at the time.  As soon as we could get off that shit, we got off, because you are supposed to pull your own fucking weight in this world and not carry monopoly money. 
     I am not supposed to carry a bunch of fucking bums through life.
     It is 5:20 in the morning at my local convenience store, I was stopping on my way to work when I witnessed four hillbilly tweakers arguing over what energy drink they could purchase with their Access welfare card.  Red Bull was the consensus.  Fucking Welfare Red Bull.  How on earth can someone justify that to me, that four bums were buying energy drinks with money they basically stole from my pocket. 
     Someone has got their entire fist in my ass.
     I have a solution.  Welfare monies should be dispensed in giant novelty check form.  For a lot of people who get welfare, it's like winning the lottery anyway, why not give them the giant check like the lottery does.  A few months of everyone watching you carry that giant check around might make getting a job look enticing. 
     Of course, with the way this ass fingering world is now, most would carry it around with pride, as if there were nothing nobler than getting over on the rest of us. 

Hellwagon.