Before I move on to the newest insane pile of shit my brain has pushed out its brain ass, I would just like to say that someone found the Hellwagon by Googling "pussy fart poems". Life is indeed, awesome.
And they say that romance is dead.
So, for that one romantic soul in the universe who wants to give his loved one a poem about her pussy farts, I bequeef this poem...
Nothing mends my broken heart,
Like the smell of your pussy fart.
Is that Chanel or old corned beef?
No, Tis the must of your lovely queef.
Fuck you Shakespeare. You think you're so great, try that pussy fart on for size you stupid dick. Anyway, I think it's pretty goddamn cool that someone is out there looking for poems about queefs. It restores my faith in humanity.
On with it then....
The evidence that God somewhat gives a shit can be found in shit. Specifically in the liquidity of birdshit. I mean, he doesn't really care quite enough that we don't get shit on at all, and let's face it, watching people get shit on is probably really fucking funny to God. It's probably why there are birds in the first goddamn place, and it should be fucking funny to everyone who isn't getting shit on, especially seeing someone take a shit shot to the face.
That is some lovely magic isn't it, it's times like that when I wish I could slow motion my life. Just out of nowhere, someone you love is talking and bird shit splatters all over their shocked face. You never see it coming, like a fart that lets some poop out. It's brilliant. It's a wonderful moment in time.
It's natures money shot.
If I was Oprah, this would be an episode for one of my favorite things. Yes, I have watched Oprah. Everyone has. Go ahead and lie about, it just makes you even more faggy and stupid. I'm a big tough sumbitch and I ain't never watched no goddamn Oprah. Of course you haven't Jethro, you are far too busy fisting goats and jacking off their antlers that you painted to look like cocks, you probably spend your free time trying to blow a load in your own mouth rather than watching the miracle of Oprah ya cuntdick.
I can see the audience waiting in excitement for my big reveal, what will his favorite thing be this time. I am not giving away expensive cars or trips and they all look up to the ceiling when the balloons fall . Little do they know that I have thousands of blow darts rigged to shoot from the walls all Indiana Jones style and the balloons are filled with birdshit. Balloons drop, darts fly, we all get shitfaced. How do I get birdshit in balloons? Put unhatched eggs in balloons and fucking wait genius. How would you do it? Scoop the shit up and put it in? Stupid.
Birdshit happens to everyone at some point, and if I knew fuckall about mathematics and statistical probability I could probably prove this poo theorem to be factual, but let us just take it as an absolute truth that everyone gets shit on and not give a fuck about the math you shitfaced nerd. Lots of birds, lots of birdie shit falling from the sky translates to a birdie shittin' on your nerdy dickhead face.
God did not make birdshit solid, I mean there is that hard black bit in the middle, like an Almond Joy. I think we got a pretty good deal from God as far as the birdshit goes though. Yeah, sure, the truth and reality of it is probably different. I guess it might have something to do with the lack of fiber in their diet and all the berries and bugs they eat, but whatever the fuck ever. Yeah, I know that birdholes are everything holes. It's a shit, piss and fuckhole. So, sorry to tell you all but I think that lady bird shit very probably has some leftover bird jizz in it from fucking dude birds. Not a lot of jizz, a bird sized portion.
I don't imagine a bird blows a huge fuckall load and goes all 'yeah, take it Tweety'. If birds blew big loads they would probably be shooting each other out of the sky and crashing planes and what have you. What if a really sexy bird flew by a murder of horny crows or something, it would turn into a shooting gallery and then the next day I walk through my yard and find a dead spermy bird.
Gives a whole new meaning to birdbath now doesn't it.
Having an everything hole sounds very efficient and all, but I honestly don't know how birds get any fucking done. It's gross. It's not very sexy to have to plow bird dick into the everything hole. All birds take it up the butt, they have no choice, they are taking it up the everything.
Thank God men don't have an everything hole. I can only imagine how horrible it would be to try to force a turd out of my dick. So, a big no thank you to pushing out dickturds. A big hell yes to calling people dickturds henceforth.
Hey, you, yeah you, you fucking dickturd. When it works it works.
So let us all give thanks for no dickturds and liquid birdshit. The potential for disasters stemming from solid birdshit is almost too much to fathom, but the worst of them all would be all of the disabled children. A grown man could take a birdshit bomb no problem, but a baby with a soft spot is just asking for it. I bet it's like a goddamn bullseye to a bird.
Thank God that the organizational powers of birds are pretty limited to flying in V's and finding food and pooping on cars and such. If they had a sense of humor and an A-Team attitude, why wouldn't they pick out one person on the block to coat with shit for a week and then move on. If I see a bird out the window smoking a cigar like Hannibal Smith, you can bet your funky ass I am not going outside that day.
Wouldn't you do that though? If you could fly and were a complete asshole, you and all of your asshole friends could go out for a fly and just for a laugh the hundred or so of you could carpet bomb some bastard who was yawning in his yard as he went out to get the paper. You do it seven days straight and you have just changed that dudes life. I think Hitchcock truly missed out on the real terror that a bird can inflict. Big deal, peck at me, peck my stupid eyes out, who gives a fuck, when I'm dead the terror is over.
Shit on me every day, my terror lasts forever.
Honestly though, if you cannot find a way to fight off a flock of birds there is something wrong with you. Hairspray and a lighter comes to mind. A hose. Badminton racket. How tough is an animal that you can beat with water? Oh no, here comes the fucking birds, quick get me a squirt gun. You could even fill a Supersoaker with bleach and aim for the eyes.
Blind birds are the stupidest looking dicks in the universe.
Birds are just fucking dumb. Even the ones that aren't blinded by my bleach cannon fly right into the side of giant goddamn buildings like incredible morons. At least if they were blind they would have an excuse as to why they failed so miserably to miss the gigantic fucking window. I don't want to hear any explanation as to why they do it, so you can keep your fucking science to yourself. You can't use science to give me a reason why an animal looks fucking stupid. It can see a worm from the sky but can't see a building. Yeah, science that up for me nerds and tell me birds aren't fucking imbeciles.
I don't care if birds cannot understand what a reflection is, they are fucking dumb. I guess I cannot hope to expect to orchestrate a flying division of shitting birds to attack your house when the gang of them can't tell what a fucking window is.
The ostrich is the worst bird ever, at least other birds fly and are lovely to look at. Ostriches don't fly because their shit could kill babies and their diarrhea could drown a toddler. Most birds are beautiful and I love the flying idiots. I really do. But ostriches, fuck 'em. Fuck a goddamn ostrich in its everything hole. An ostrich looks like a giant walking scrotum. If your balls swelled up and came to life and walked around and ate bugs, well then your balls would be an ostrich.
I think that may be the most disturbing image I have ever conjured. My balls turn into a flightless bird and eat bugs. Nice work brain, what the fuck is wrong with you.
Who knows, maybe that is what ostriches really are and we have named them all wrong. I am sure science has studied their bones and habits and all that, so they probably really aren't giant scrotums. I think I would have heard about that by now, that ostriches were actually giant scrotums, unless the government is keeping it a secret. Nice job, government, my tax dollars go to keeping the true identity of ostriches under wraps. I know balls when I see them.
They should make a snack called Scroyums, and of course there are creamy centers you dick.
Ostriches very probably don't act very scrotumy at all. Ostriches don't hang out in pairs all cool like, talking about the noisy asshole who lives around the corner and all that. Balls give each other the low two all the time, they never fist bump, because that shit is lame.
Ah, your poor balls, there's always a dick in front of them at the movies.
Hellwagon
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